I.
I had the most profound thought.
II.
I offered myself up as a virgin sacrifice.
Only I wasn’t a virgin so they told me to go away.
III.
Sometimes I think you don’t know me at all.
(We are relieved when those times pass.)
IV.
I’m sure that skipping stones across water is a metaphor for life—
I never could skip a stone across water.
V.
Anywhere but here is fine.
Only not there, or over there, or that place.
VI.
I went to the harbor and gained passage on the first boat I saw.
It wasn’t until we were several hours offshore that I came to understand I was
a deep sea fisherman.
VII.
I have no idea if I can count to a thousand in my head.
It is an irrelevant skill.
VIII.
She said everything was falling apart.
I told her she finally understood my preoccupation with Thermodynamics.
IX.
I asked for news on the weather. He said it was too dark to tell.
X.
I told you I’d finally lost
my mind and you laughed.
XI.
“All art is bad art,” he said.
I believed him.
XII.
You sent me a ceramic impression of my ear.
It scared me, a little.
XIII.
She said I needed to review the definition of restraint. I looked at her and said, “You’d best walk away.”
XIV.
I asked a madman for a penny and he gave me a twenty-dollar bill. When I told him I wasn’t carrying change, he replied, “There is a dragon behind you. Argue your point with him.”
XV.
I don’t know what the world expects from me.
I only know it’s not going to happen.
XVI.
The skies are clear and sunny. I am waiting for rain.
XVII.
“The end is near.”
“How near?”
“How the fuck should I know?”
XVIII.
I said hello and she lit up like a flash fire.
XIX.
Hey, I’m just here for the food. No one said anything about suggested nudity.
XX.
If you tell me one more time that even bad timing is perfect timing, I’ll provide concrete evidence to the contrary.
XXI.
If I was a lion, you ask? Well, I’d probably chew your face off.
Then I’d roll about, licking my paws.
XXII.
When I’m nervous I have bad hair.
I have no idea as to the connection.
XXIII.
I’m not wasting time.
I’m biding it.
XXIV.
I always have three logical
explanations for doing
something absurd.
XXV.
When push came to shove, she fell down the stairs
and was in a coma for a week.
XXVI.
I was wandering through the house, going from room to empty room. When I walked into the kitchen and saw you making breakfast, I screamed.
XXVII.
It’s three thousand miles to paradise.
You said the roads are bad
this time of year.
XXVIII.
I told you to stop biting your fingernails.
“It’s a nervous twitch,” you said.
“Well,” I replied, “stop being so goddamn nervous all the time.”
Ah, the look on your face!
XXIX.
We drove past a camel and knew his mind.
“What the fuck am I doing in California,” he thought.
XXX.
I can’t see much from the bottom of a river.
She told me to pull my head out of the mud.
XXXI.
I braided a lock of my hair, then cut it off and stapled it to your front door. I was laughing until I got home, when I realized it wasn’t funny in the least.
XXXII.
I am a false mural.
XXXIII.
In the event of my death,
I request that my gravestone read:
Well, she really was something!
